TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed from the Placing green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, sure, let us have another spot the place American Adult men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this essentially the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often comfortable electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It is really that he need to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the venture, replied, "You realize, man, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping kinds a large Trump head visible from Area, a element getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits just after Trump Tower Damascus discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fire to an area melon cart.


"It really is not merely unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Features


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where attendees might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, full with local climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Forever."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "where's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting attention from Worldwide traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based on the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have switch-down support."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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